Some of you may be considering selling your classic or collector
car "at auction," as they say. With the season nearly upon us, we here at Vaughn Automotive Consulting LLC offer this list of 10 handy tips to wrangle roughly 400 times the actual value of your heap once it crosses the block. This could mean hundreds of dollars, so pay attention.
1. Unless you just recently, like this very morning, rolled off the beet wagon, never say that you are "selling your car." Always say you are "offering it at auction." If you're going to say you're "selling it at
an auction," you might as well wear bib overalls and walk around chewing on a piece of straw. Better yet, say you are "offering your
motorcar at auction." Try to sound English, like London or Oxford, not the Midlands. If you realize you have said "motorcar" too many times in the last couple of sentences, don't panic. Immediately revert to Plan B, wherein you start calling it an "automobile." Under no circumstances should you call it a "car." The word "car" is for lurkers on eBay Motors and people who buy
Truck Trader at 7-Eleven. The proper terminology will distinguish you from the posers. It will also show that you have class (don't say you have "class to burn").
2. Try to get in on an auction with a classy name--"The Something at the Something." It's the same thing they do with new subdivisions of stucco tract homes to make them sound more exclusive--"The Eyesores at the Landfill" or whatever.
3. Give your car as long a name as you can on one page. "The Dearborn Ford Pinto Hatchback Sedan Coupe de la Ville du Dey-Twa 2.0/4 with Coachwork by Polanski and Doyle." No one needs to know that Polanski and Doyle worked final assembly on the swing shift at the Metuchen, New Jersey, plant.
4. Give it racing history--again, something classy, no short-track stuff. It would pretty much have to sound as if it was run on pavement of some sort. Avoid obvious fakery that even a baboon like yourself could see through, such as saying it was driven by "The Count of Monte Cristo" at "The Battle of Guadalupe Hidalgo." Although that sounds pretty good, except for the battle part. I don't think there was a battle at Guadalupe Hidalgo, but I could be wrong. Maybe say "The Grand Prix of Guadalupe Hidalgo." No one'll check. Be careful not to call it racing history, either. Call it "provenance," because that sounds classier.
5. Try to get most of the fast-food wrappers off the floor, and would it kill you to run a hose over the outside, too? But not when it's in the auction tent, fer God's sake.
6. Take the jumper cables out of the trunk.
7. Slip the auctioneer a five-spot on the sly to get him to "talk up the car." If the auctioneer has one of those English accents, you might have to make it a ten-spot, or a euro. Do they take euros in England?
Whatever.
8. Give it a nickname. A Rolls-Royce named "The Corgi" sold last year at Pebble for almost $3 million. Imagine how much "The Weasel" would go for.
9. If you're selling more than one car, even if it's just two cars, you must say it is a "collection." Put your name first, then "Collection"--"The Vaughn Collection at the Eyesores at the Landfill."
Capiche?
10. If someone questions the provenance of your motorcar, simply say that the documentation is coming "forthwith." No one really knows what the hell forthwith means, but it sounds good. If the guy persists, say in a brusk voice, "Good day, sir! I said good
day, sir!" That oughtta handle it.
I think that about covers it. Be sure to take a shower before you go. Don't bid on your own car, because you might have to buy it twice, and that ain't good math. If anything goes wrong, call us here at Vaughn
Automotive Consulting LLC immediately. We'll figure something out.
This article was last updated on: 06/18/08, 13:12 et 
